Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
letter to LHC fellow diet sufferer
Hi Sissy,
I am so sorry you are having so many problems with your weight and believe me, I truely understand the frustrations. I weigh 280lbs and at 53 it's not just the looks (although of course I want to look much better) but now it's my health that is breaking down.
That's a good idea for us to take this to pm's because all this is personal and other people who don't have this problem don't need to know. I just briefly checked out your eating plan and to me it's kinda like the Slimfast programme I signed up for (but I buy the products). I was all happy and wanted to make a difference in my weight in the New Year's and after a few days I had fallen by the wayside and went back to my emotional eating. Of course I hated myself and chewed myself out for having no will power and asked myself why do I continue to do this to myself you know: guilt, guilt and more guilt,lol
Just like you say, knowing all about why you eat as you eat in your professional life doesn't have any effect. Out of all the weight loss programmes and diets and just plain doing without, plus belonging to many weight loss support forums none of this makes a difference when it comes down to feeling miserable and going thru the house looking for something "good to eat."
I would be much more fatter than I am now if I wasn't so lazy ie I won't go in the kitchen and make myself muffins and cake or anything else so at least I save calories that way. I am also too lazy to get in my car and go into a shop and get my goodies. I will pay my daughter good money to stop and get me food and listen to her bitch me out about it. Now how lazy is all that. I will stop along the way from work at a coffee shop in the take out lane to get goodies but then I have to hide them so DH doesn't see them and bitch me out (thus making me want to eat even more, (cutting off my nose to spite my face.)
If I have to stop for gas I will get some pastry, hide it and later afte everyone is asleep, bring it out, eat it and afterwards beat myself up about it.
Does it seem to you that there is two people, one who wants to be a good healthy weight, be able to buy nice small sizes in the cute clothes we can't fit in now and so forth, and then this little evil demon who sits around and says, "but it will take months and months and months to get to a decent weight, have a slice of cake or pie now and tomorrow you can go back on your diet."
You know I have a brand-new recumbant bike sitting right here in the living room, so what's stopping me from getting up off the recliner and doing something to help myself.
I guess what we are both trying to say is, what is stopping us from doing what we have to do. I can look ahead and visualise myself as thin, wearing the kind of clothes I want to wear, and feeling human again so why can't I reach for the brass ring???? Why am I such an obstacle to myself???
Sissy if there is any way you can get your weight down now I hope you can do it because when you get to my age, you get high blood pressure, osteoartheritis (which is made worse with extra weight) and feet, knees and legs that don't want to hold you up. Any little thing makes it hard for me to breathe and having asthma makes it worse. As far as I know I don't have diabetes but it's in my family. I also have a fatty liver....so again why is it SO HARD to stick to a diet and lose this weight that is slowly killing me???
Presently, like you, I am trying to lose some weight again. This time using Slimfast bars, healthy food and more fruits and veg and hoping nothing comes in the door that calls my name (pizza, ice cream, cookies and candy etc). I don't even have to buy this stuff. Even tho DH bitches me out for my weight, he cooks delicious meals that are heavy and fat-laden (southern-style cooking) and brings me treats and I have told him not to do this, and to keep the ice cream out of the house.
Anyway I also have a function to attend as you do, and I don't want to show up looking like this. As you have seen by my profile I originally come from Bermuda and of course the heat and humidity will kill me at this size and also, like you, I don't want anybody I know down there to see how much I have let myself go. In October my brother and his wife celebrate their 25th wa and are having a big party. I havn't been home since before 9-11 and so I have to make this effort, can't wait until the last minute.
Maybe we can set goals and write each other for support esp. in the light of getting ready for these family functions
Take care and thanks for your nice long letter and know that you are not alone at all and we have to beat this problem for once and for all right?????
Linda xxxxx
I am so sorry you are having so many problems with your weight and believe me, I truely understand the frustrations. I weigh 280lbs and at 53 it's not just the looks (although of course I want to look much better) but now it's my health that is breaking down.
That's a good idea for us to take this to pm's because all this is personal and other people who don't have this problem don't need to know. I just briefly checked out your eating plan and to me it's kinda like the Slimfast programme I signed up for (but I buy the products). I was all happy and wanted to make a difference in my weight in the New Year's and after a few days I had fallen by the wayside and went back to my emotional eating. Of course I hated myself and chewed myself out for having no will power and asked myself why do I continue to do this to myself you know: guilt, guilt and more guilt,lol
Just like you say, knowing all about why you eat as you eat in your professional life doesn't have any effect. Out of all the weight loss programmes and diets and just plain doing without, plus belonging to many weight loss support forums none of this makes a difference when it comes down to feeling miserable and going thru the house looking for something "good to eat."
I would be much more fatter than I am now if I wasn't so lazy ie I won't go in the kitchen and make myself muffins and cake or anything else so at least I save calories that way. I am also too lazy to get in my car and go into a shop and get my goodies. I will pay my daughter good money to stop and get me food and listen to her bitch me out about it. Now how lazy is all that. I will stop along the way from work at a coffee shop in the take out lane to get goodies but then I have to hide them so DH doesn't see them and bitch me out (thus making me want to eat even more, (cutting off my nose to spite my face.)
If I have to stop for gas I will get some pastry, hide it and later afte everyone is asleep, bring it out, eat it and afterwards beat myself up about it.
Does it seem to you that there is two people, one who wants to be a good healthy weight, be able to buy nice small sizes in the cute clothes we can't fit in now and so forth, and then this little evil demon who sits around and says, "but it will take months and months and months to get to a decent weight, have a slice of cake or pie now and tomorrow you can go back on your diet."
You know I have a brand-new recumbant bike sitting right here in the living room, so what's stopping me from getting up off the recliner and doing something to help myself.
I guess what we are both trying to say is, what is stopping us from doing what we have to do. I can look ahead and visualise myself as thin, wearing the kind of clothes I want to wear, and feeling human again so why can't I reach for the brass ring???? Why am I such an obstacle to myself???
Sissy if there is any way you can get your weight down now I hope you can do it because when you get to my age, you get high blood pressure, osteoartheritis (which is made worse with extra weight) and feet, knees and legs that don't want to hold you up. Any little thing makes it hard for me to breathe and having asthma makes it worse. As far as I know I don't have diabetes but it's in my family. I also have a fatty liver....so again why is it SO HARD to stick to a diet and lose this weight that is slowly killing me???
Presently, like you, I am trying to lose some weight again. This time using Slimfast bars, healthy food and more fruits and veg and hoping nothing comes in the door that calls my name (pizza, ice cream, cookies and candy etc). I don't even have to buy this stuff. Even tho DH bitches me out for my weight, he cooks delicious meals that are heavy and fat-laden (southern-style cooking) and brings me treats and I have told him not to do this, and to keep the ice cream out of the house.
Anyway I also have a function to attend as you do, and I don't want to show up looking like this. As you have seen by my profile I originally come from Bermuda and of course the heat and humidity will kill me at this size and also, like you, I don't want anybody I know down there to see how much I have let myself go. In October my brother and his wife celebrate their 25th wa and are having a big party. I havn't been home since before 9-11 and so I have to make this effort, can't wait until the last minute.
Maybe we can set goals and write each other for support esp. in the light of getting ready for these family functions
Take care and thanks for your nice long letter and know that you are not alone at all and we have to beat this problem for once and for all right?????
Linda xxxxx
Monday, February 2, 2009
Making another try
My brother called last night and said he wanted me to come home for a week in October because he and Tina were gonna celebrate their 25th w.a. on the 17th. Amanda and Max are coming, and her friend Danny wants to come too but he will have to pay his own way, no free ride for him
This means I have to do something about my weight and I don't want to go down there looking like this as there are ppl who haven't seen me in years and I look a terrible mess. Plus it is hot down there and I have enough trouble getting around here in the cold weather without huffing and puffing.
Today I weighed myself and I was 280lbs. I have really let myself go and I feel very unhealthy and not up to facing life at all. I am so sick and tired of starting meal plans and getting nowhere and falling back into my old ways. Now I have a concrete reason to get real about losing weight because if nothing else my pride won't let me go home without a good deal of this fat gone.
I also have to start putting money aside so I don't go down there broke. I don't spend much money on myself but this past week I have been handing money out just so Gene or Amanda will do things for me eg. for Amanda to do my wash, I handed out $20 just so I wouldn't have to do it myself.
I also gave her $10 just so she would bring me two pastry sticks from Honeydew Donuts.
I had Gene cash my last weeks pay and told him to take $40 out for himself. Then he picked up my pills for me, another $40. So there went $80 from my $150 checque, After spending $80 there, and frittering money away on Amanda getting her to do things for me I only have $20 left which will go in the gas tank. That's all I got from my last weeks pay and I have a right to be pissed.
Gene's sitting on $25,000 and hoards money and if he lends you something he wants it back. I agreed to give him $400 out of my $800 disability money to help with monthly bills. How I ended up giving him more money is due to my dumbness and laziness. This has got to stop. I need to get out there and handle my own money like him and Amanda do.
Gene is always going to Fox woods and wasting money, no matter how much he bitches about money. He also buys himself cases of beer, nothing said.
He pays all the bills except the phone bill which I pay. Month before last it was $150 which I understand because over Xmas phone calls overseas are necessary. This month's bill is $166 which is understandable but it was because I spoke to Momma for a while after she had her eye operated on. This month there will be no overseas calls and the bill should go back to under $100.
Amanda is sitting a lot better than she lets on. She was laid off a couple of weeks ago but cashed in her IRA and has over $3,000 here in about 8 different checques. I am the only one who knows about this because I told her not to say anything to Gene or Mike. Both of them would rob her blind and I will never hear the end of it from Gene who would hound me forever about she should pay into the house. So long as he knows she is waiting for her unemployment cheque to come in, he won't say anything much except the usual shit I have to hear from him from day-to-day.
Some people would say I am wrong not to say anything to him because she is living here scott-free except the $20/week she gives the landlord extra for water use and he lets her park on the property.
But as I said he is very unreasonable when he knows you have any money and wants everything and all it will cause is more loud fights and shit around my head which I am so fed up with that I could SCREAM. He has $25,000 in the bank for Christ's sake. All he wants is to get his tentacles on more and more money while pleading more and more poverty.
Patti's 20mg extra of Celexa must be kicking in because I am feeling very angry about how I am being ripped off in life because I am so easy to take advantage of. Amanda is the same to a lesser degree because she won't do anything for me without something back in return. I have two greedy money-grabbing people in this house and I will have to find the strength to be as greedy and under-handed as they are.
I told Amanda to get a car with that $3,000 because her's is shit. She will also get income-tax money back and I told her to claim Max and get as much as she can. Last year she let Mike claim Max and she ended up in the hole.
Why do these two people do exactly what they want with their money and then they have the balls to reach for mine as well and I am so ignorant that I don't know how to grab for myself and I allow my money to be taken away by them.
I will still give Gene that $400/mo that I promised because I should help with the house bills, that is only fair. But I also think what I make in my job should be MINE because nobody helps me with my medical bills and here I am doing without while everybody else just goes and gets what they want with theirs.
Amanda always has the best of clothes and underwear and is always betting more and more toiletry items and here I sit in raggedy clothes with 2nd hand shoes and feel guilty if I get two new bras and girdles for myself when she spends $50 for a bra etc.
Maybe I am angry enough now to take some of my life back because I am sick and tired of being fucked over by the whole world especially by people in my house who shouldn't be taking advantage of my poor mental health.
If I don't let them take my money they won't get it. I just feel so screwed by people who are ruthless when it comes to getting what they want and even if it is again st my nature I need to become ruthless myself just to keep from being taken advantage of.
Guess I need to go take my shower and get on up to Stop & Shop to cash my own cheque and get my disability money for Gene plus the $160 that Amanda borrowed from him to help pay for work on her car this past weekend. So he wants $560 from me. Amanda said she will pay me back the $160 and I will MAKE her give me back this money. No letting it slide because I am too beaten down by life to persist and make a noise until it is in my hand. I have to think about myself nowadays. After all these two look after themselves very well when I have nothing
This means I have to do something about my weight and I don't want to go down there looking like this as there are ppl who haven't seen me in years and I look a terrible mess. Plus it is hot down there and I have enough trouble getting around here in the cold weather without huffing and puffing.
Today I weighed myself and I was 280lbs. I have really let myself go and I feel very unhealthy and not up to facing life at all. I am so sick and tired of starting meal plans and getting nowhere and falling back into my old ways. Now I have a concrete reason to get real about losing weight because if nothing else my pride won't let me go home without a good deal of this fat gone.
I also have to start putting money aside so I don't go down there broke. I don't spend much money on myself but this past week I have been handing money out just so Gene or Amanda will do things for me eg. for Amanda to do my wash, I handed out $20 just so I wouldn't have to do it myself.
I also gave her $10 just so she would bring me two pastry sticks from Honeydew Donuts.
I had Gene cash my last weeks pay and told him to take $40 out for himself. Then he picked up my pills for me, another $40. So there went $80 from my $150 checque, After spending $80 there, and frittering money away on Amanda getting her to do things for me I only have $20 left which will go in the gas tank. That's all I got from my last weeks pay and I have a right to be pissed.
Gene's sitting on $25,000 and hoards money and if he lends you something he wants it back. I agreed to give him $400 out of my $800 disability money to help with monthly bills. How I ended up giving him more money is due to my dumbness and laziness. This has got to stop. I need to get out there and handle my own money like him and Amanda do.
Gene is always going to Fox woods and wasting money, no matter how much he bitches about money. He also buys himself cases of beer, nothing said.
He pays all the bills except the phone bill which I pay. Month before last it was $150 which I understand because over Xmas phone calls overseas are necessary. This month's bill is $166 which is understandable but it was because I spoke to Momma for a while after she had her eye operated on. This month there will be no overseas calls and the bill should go back to under $100.
Amanda is sitting a lot better than she lets on. She was laid off a couple of weeks ago but cashed in her IRA and has over $3,000 here in about 8 different checques. I am the only one who knows about this because I told her not to say anything to Gene or Mike. Both of them would rob her blind and I will never hear the end of it from Gene who would hound me forever about she should pay into the house. So long as he knows she is waiting for her unemployment cheque to come in, he won't say anything much except the usual shit I have to hear from him from day-to-day.
Some people would say I am wrong not to say anything to him because she is living here scott-free except the $20/week she gives the landlord extra for water use and he lets her park on the property.
But as I said he is very unreasonable when he knows you have any money and wants everything and all it will cause is more loud fights and shit around my head which I am so fed up with that I could SCREAM. He has $25,000 in the bank for Christ's sake. All he wants is to get his tentacles on more and more money while pleading more and more poverty.
Patti's 20mg extra of Celexa must be kicking in because I am feeling very angry about how I am being ripped off in life because I am so easy to take advantage of. Amanda is the same to a lesser degree because she won't do anything for me without something back in return. I have two greedy money-grabbing people in this house and I will have to find the strength to be as greedy and under-handed as they are.
I told Amanda to get a car with that $3,000 because her's is shit. She will also get income-tax money back and I told her to claim Max and get as much as she can. Last year she let Mike claim Max and she ended up in the hole.
Why do these two people do exactly what they want with their money and then they have the balls to reach for mine as well and I am so ignorant that I don't know how to grab for myself and I allow my money to be taken away by them.
I will still give Gene that $400/mo that I promised because I should help with the house bills, that is only fair. But I also think what I make in my job should be MINE because nobody helps me with my medical bills and here I am doing without while everybody else just goes and gets what they want with theirs.
Amanda always has the best of clothes and underwear and is always betting more and more toiletry items and here I sit in raggedy clothes with 2nd hand shoes and feel guilty if I get two new bras and girdles for myself when she spends $50 for a bra etc.
Maybe I am angry enough now to take some of my life back because I am sick and tired of being fucked over by the whole world especially by people in my house who shouldn't be taking advantage of my poor mental health.
If I don't let them take my money they won't get it. I just feel so screwed by people who are ruthless when it comes to getting what they want and even if it is again st my nature I need to become ruthless myself just to keep from being taken advantage of.
Guess I need to go take my shower and get on up to Stop & Shop to cash my own cheque and get my disability money for Gene plus the $160 that Amanda borrowed from him to help pay for work on her car this past weekend. So he wants $560 from me. Amanda said she will pay me back the $160 and I will MAKE her give me back this money. No letting it slide because I am too beaten down by life to persist and make a noise until it is in my hand. I have to think about myself nowadays. After all these two look after themselves very well when I have nothing
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