Making another try

My brother called last night and said he wanted me to come home for a week in October because he and Tina were gonna celebrate their 25th w.a. on the 17th. Amanda and Max are coming, and her friend Danny wants to come too but he will have to pay his own way, no free ride for him

This means I have to do something about my weight and I don't want to go down there looking like this as there are ppl who haven't seen me in years and I look a terrible mess. Plus it is hot down there and I have enough trouble getting around here in the cold weather without huffing and puffing.

Today I weighed myself and I was 280lbs. I have really let myself go and I feel very unhealthy and not up to facing life at all. I am so sick and tired of starting meal plans and getting nowhere and falling back into my old ways. Now I have a concrete reason to get real about losing weight because if nothing else my pride won't let me go home without a good deal of this fat gone.

I also have to start putting money aside so I don't go down there broke. I don't spend much money on myself but this past week I have been handing money out just so Gene or Amanda will do things for me eg. for Amanda to do my wash, I handed out $20 just so I wouldn't have to do it myself.
I also gave her $10 just so she would bring me two pastry sticks from Honeydew Donuts.
I had Gene cash my last weeks pay and told him to take $40 out for himself. Then he picked up my pills for me, another $40. So there went $80 from my $150 checque, After spending $80 there, and frittering money away on Amanda getting her to do things for me I only have $20 left which will go in the gas tank. That's all I got from my last weeks pay and I have a right to be pissed.

Gene's sitting on $25,000 and hoards money and if he lends you something he wants it back. I agreed to give him $400 out of my $800 disability money to help with monthly bills. How I ended up giving him more money is due to my dumbness and laziness. This has got to stop. I need to get out there and handle my own money like him and Amanda do.

Gene is always going to Fox woods and wasting money, no matter how much he bitches about money. He also buys himself cases of beer, nothing said.

He pays all the bills except the phone bill which I pay. Month before last it was $150 which I understand because over Xmas phone calls overseas are necessary. This month's bill is $166 which is understandable but it was because I spoke to Momma for a while after she had her eye operated on. This month there will be no overseas calls and the bill should go back to under $100.

Amanda is sitting a lot better than she lets on. She was laid off a couple of weeks ago but cashed in her IRA and has over $3,000 here in about 8 different checques. I am the only one who knows about this because I told her not to say anything to Gene or Mike. Both of them would rob her blind and I will never hear the end of it from Gene who would hound me forever about she should pay into the house. So long as he knows she is waiting for her unemployment cheque to come in, he won't say anything much except the usual shit I have to hear from him from day-to-day.

Some people would say I am wrong not to say anything to him because she is living here scott-free except the $20/week she gives the landlord extra for water use and he lets her park on the property.

But as I said he is very unreasonable when he knows you have any money and wants everything and all it will cause is more loud fights and shit around my head which I am so fed up with that I could SCREAM. He has $25,000 in the bank for Christ's sake. All he wants is to get his tentacles on more and more money while pleading more and more poverty.

Patti's 20mg extra of Celexa must be kicking in because I am feeling very angry about how I am being ripped off in life because I am so easy to take advantage of. Amanda is the same to a lesser degree because she won't do anything for me without something back in return. I have two greedy money-grabbing people in this house and I will have to find the strength to be as greedy and under-handed as they are.

I told Amanda to get a car with that $3,000 because her's is shit. She will also get income-tax money back and I told her to claim Max and get as much as she can. Last year she let Mike claim Max and she ended up in the hole.

Why do these two people do exactly what they want with their money and then they have the balls to reach for mine as well and I am so ignorant that I don't know how to grab for myself and I allow my money to be taken away by them.

I will still give Gene that $400/mo that I promised because I should help with the house bills, that is only fair. But I also think what I make in my job should be MINE because nobody helps me with my medical bills and here I am doing without while everybody else just goes and gets what they want with theirs.

Amanda always has the best of clothes and underwear and is always betting more and more toiletry items and here I sit in raggedy clothes with 2nd hand shoes and feel guilty if I get two new bras and girdles for myself when she spends $50 for a bra etc.

Maybe I am angry enough now to take some of my life back because I am sick and tired of being fucked over by the whole world especially by people in my house who shouldn't be taking advantage of my poor mental health.

If I don't let them take my money they won't get it. I just feel so screwed by people who are ruthless when it comes to getting what they want and even if it is again st my nature I need to become ruthless myself just to keep from being taken advantage of.

Guess I need to go take my shower and get on up to Stop & Shop to cash my own cheque and get my disability money for Gene plus the $160 that Amanda borrowed from him to help pay for work on her car this past weekend. So he wants $560 from me. Amanda said she will pay me back the $160 and I will MAKE her give me back this money. No letting it slide because I am too beaten down by life to persist and make a noise until it is in my hand. I have to think about myself nowadays. After all these two look after themselves very well when I have nothing