letter to my therapist

Dear Sara,

I am trying hard to understand how I feel these days. I feel as tho I am in a little world all by myself with people coming and going around me. People telling me what to do, what to eat and hassling me. I am taking Xanax when I work, not much when I am home so I don'r think I am zoning out on Xanax. I've been taking this drug for years and it's not worth it to make myself more on the sidelines of life than I am.

This is supposed to be the section of the year in which I start to feel better. I felt better when I was hopeful enough to start a diet which I do every New Year's but after a few days I fell off the waggon and never climbed up on it again. And my mood and motivation is such that all I want to do is sleep when no one is around to bother me and sit in the recliner and watch reality shows. I don't even spend much time here as I would normally.

It's like I feel like saying something to somebody and since I just don't talk anymore without thinking thru what I want to say, I go thru it in my mind (especially if it is a complaint or a topic I might talk about) and realize what kind of answer I might get and decide to say nothing.

eg: what sense does it make to complain about my situation. Anything that can be done for me is being done. Pills can only take you so far. My weight situation is my fault, if I mention this I open myself up to a can of worms which I don't feel like dealing with. No sense saying I don't want to go to work because I out to be glad in this economy that I have a job to go to at all and lets face it if I didn't have that structure I wouldn't get up at all or shower or even talk to anybody.

It just seems to me that its getting harder and harder to deal with the aggravations of life so I run away from them in my mind. I have no hope anymore that things will get any better, just worse and I haven't got the energy or motivation to climb out of the hole I am in.

I guess I am just resigned to living as I am. I feel like even if I was 120lbs, feeling great and having a good life I would still go to bed and sleep until someone turned me out on the floor. I don't think there's any hope for me at all. I think there's nothing left in anybody's bag of tricks that will give me the energy or optimism to cope with the stuff I have to cope with. Far better to just shut up and let what everybody else does go past me, as long as they leave me alone when they do it. Such a sorry sack of shit I am